“不,不,不!”我做噩梦了!”她在电话里尖叫。我听不下去了,因为话笨拙地从我嘴里说了出来。“你丈夫不能自己呼吸。我们给他上了呼吸机。我很抱歉。”
我已经在道歉了。我相信她知道当医生以道歉开场时这不是一个好兆头。“这是什么意思?”她结结巴巴地说。我能从她的声音里听出她不想要答案。“你丈夫的肺里有一个大血凝块。在这种情况下,当患者无法自主呼吸时,这种病毒通常是致命的。”我有给家人打电话告诉他们可怕消息的五年经验;为什么我觉得这么尴尬?我对自己感到沮丧。每说一句严厉的话,我都畏缩不前。 I didn’t know how to give her the truth without tearing the last shred of hope out of her heartbroken arms. Her painful sobbing ensued. For the first time in my life, I knew what people meant when they said they were “numb.” My hand held the phone lifelessly but I refused to cry in front of my colleagues, who were frantically rushing me for sign out. But the worst was yet to come. Another sound came shrieking across the line. Three daughters. One my age. They were listening in. I was on speakerphone. I had no idea.
那天是耶稣受难日。他们需要父亲来参加西西里家庭在短短三天内庆祝的重大天主教节日。复活节是我每年和意大利家人一起度过的传统节日,有鲜花、巧克力和多轮食物。事实上,我的生日断断续续地落在复活节的星期天,所以四月初对我来说是一年中特别怀旧的时候。对意大利人来说,复活节标志着冬天的结束,春天的开始。这是庆祝救世主复活的日子。这是一年中死去的东西复活的时候。但是今年我们的假期失去了希望。在我的想象中,那三个年轻漂亮的女人在电话的另一边惊恐地踱来踱去,抽泣着。他们55岁健康的父亲不能回家过节。 In fact, last Easter was their last Easter with him. I understood what the upcoming holiday meant. I understood having an Italian father who was born and raised in Brooklyn because mine was, too. I understood being the daughter of that kind of stubborn, old-school, independent man and I understood needing him in my life, for better or worse, but I couldn’t share any of this with them. “I need a miracle, I need a miracle, I need a miracle!” Colloredo’s wife recited over and over in desperation. I felt their cutting cries in the makeshift ICU, but it was late in my shift, and there was more bad news to distribute to anxious families across the city.
时间飞逝。“求求你,求求你让我的女儿们见见她们的父亲。请让我见见我丈夫。“对不起,这太危险了。”我遗憾地回答。我想为他们和每一个乞求向他们所爱的人告别的家庭打开大门。我瞥了一眼,看到呼吸机迫使空气进入科洛雷多僵硬的肺。他们的丈夫和父亲曾经是一个强壮而自给自足的人,现在却毫无生气,瘫痪了。他的皮肤因纵隔气肿而开裂,这气肿吞噬了他的整个左颈部和躯干。他24小时前入院。她们坚持说,她们“只是和他在一起”。 How could this be? I didn’t have answers. I wondered if I was having a nightmare, too.
***
戴安娜的母亲想和她美丽的女儿FaceTime,她的女儿是一名32岁的律师,出生并长大在海湾岭。一个年轻,有成就的女人,她通过了外行政区的学校系统,实现了她的职业梦想。我认同她的故事,因为这也是我的故事。她碰巧成为了律师;我碰巧成为了那个眼睁睁看着她呼吸衰竭的医生,因为病毒感染了她的身体。
“你是护士,对吗?”我问她妈妈。“是的,我是。她还好吗?”我松了一口气。她似乎还能挺过来。“她今天下午插管了,”我遗憾地报告说。阿丽太太知道这意味着什么。“求你了,让我看看她。”她恳求。 “I will FaceTime with you as soon as I can.” Abruptly, a blaring alarm intruded our call. Another code blue. I hurriedly hung up. I never did get the chance to call Diana’s mother back, but I passed the message to a stronger nurse.
那天晚上我又给六个病人的家属打了电话,他们都已经去世了。那天下午,男男女女一个接一个地死去。同步密码无法让他们复活。我采访过的每个人都收到了他们深爱的父亲、女儿、姐妹或母亲去世的消息。他们孤独地靠呼吸机默默死去。此外,由于无法举行纪念集会,家属们无法再触摸、握住或看到亲人的遗体。他们还在他们身边,但现在他们走了。
那个复活节周末我不在。我给值班的朋友发短信,问他们复活节早上戴安娜过得怎么样。“她的肾功能有改善吗?”有人打电话到主医院说她需要ECMO吗?”里奥慢吞吞地敲着字,“我们没有机会,玛丽莎。不幸的是,她今天早上去世了。”我读着课文,把目光移开了。我叹了口气,停顿了一下,然后我查了查她。我找到了她的领英和Instagram账号。她看起来不可思议。 I don’t know who called her mother that Easter morning, but my heart broke for both parties. She was young with no known medical history and was full of promise. We were rooting for her. When she made a full recovery, I wanted to become a friend of hers. But my hope was shattered now, too and all I could remember was failing her mother that night. I didn’t realize she had 48 hours left. If you’re reading this now, and you are Dina’s mother, I want you to know I am so sorry.
纽约市的街道上一片寂静。我开着姐姐慷慨地借给我的那辆可变可靠的2002年丰田凯美瑞,以避开遭到破坏的公共交通系统。每天早上六点半和晚上七点半,我都很恐慌。我知道如果我在去医院的路上抛锚了,我就会被困在那里。紧急服务部门接到了大量紧急电话。如果我撞车受伤了,我很可能会死在布鲁克林-皇后区高速公路上,这条公路通常挤满了汽车,它更像一个停车场,而不是主要的高速公路。那时我与朋友和家人隔离了三周。我继续独自度过我的生日,因为我担心我可能是一个无症状携带者。作为一名照顾这些病人的医生,在一次简单的杂货店之旅中,我感觉自己对其他人构成了持续的威胁。没有人知道这种病毒在表面上存活了多长时间,也不知道它是如何传播的。 But I saw what this virus was capable of, so I obeyed diligent precautions. I never wanted to be the reason why another physician would have to make the calls that I had to make that day.
每天晚上7点,消防车和我们一起鼓掌庆祝。整个城市都在为“英雄”欢呼,但我根本不是英雄。作为一名心脏病专家,我习惯于以有效的方式拯救生命,但这完全是另一回事。我不再做我最初梦想的医生该做的事。一天,当服役的男男女女们欢呼雀跃时,我热泪盈眶。我再也无法掩饰我的绝望了。这是无法控制的。我坐进冰冷的汽车后,至少花了一个小时才振作起来。就好像我在这些电话中所拥有的每一刻的“力量”都融化在这意想不到的痛苦的时刻,压倒性的情感表达。
当警笛响起,人们欢呼雀跃时,我不忍心想到他们是在为我欢呼。相反,我想象他们是在庆祝病人逝去的生命,那些家人无法以恰当的方式来庆祝或纪念的生命。我认为,欢呼声和掌声是对那些极度需要安慰的悲痛家庭的支持和鼓励。
所以今天,我感谢你们,家人们。感谢你们允许我在你们所爱的人不可思议的生命结束时陪伴他们。你们都应该知道,他们的生活对我的影响将永远伴随我。
玛丽莎·隆巴多是一位心脏病专家。